Surviving Texas Ice-mageddon 2018, Day One of Two: The Reckoning.

"PatBateman" (PatBateman) 01/16/2018 at 18:56 • Filed to: Bullshit Yankee Weather, Satire

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The forecasts were wrong. The expected impact was discounted. No one imagined the extent of the despair and cold that would actually occur. Meteorology failed us, and we are paying the price.

First, the schools closed. Then the office called and told employees to stay home due to hazardous traveling conditions. Finally, the sleet began falling harder, then harder, and finally, hardester. The local authorities began their marathon of public heeds with the same people who warned us about flooding six months ago. It’s here. And it’s so much bigger than expected. You see this map?

Look at that giant pink area. Do you see anything wrong with it? Do you think it’s too big? Just right? Are you offended by its audaciousness? Well, let me just tell you: the angle of that big pink member was too low and thin for what actually happened. That’s right: the event represented by this massive pinkness, especially in the southern bulbous area, actually ended up being SAGGIER (and the longer part was much wider) than anyone expected. And it’s hurting.

My family and I are at our wits’ ends. The children are now refusing to do their homework and are miserable because they don’t have any new games to play on their new Nintendo Switch. My wife has become restless and has baked cookies for the entire family EXCEPT FOR ME. She KNOWS that I’m on a no gluten diet, and does she care?! NOOOOOOO she doesn’t. I cannot believe her. Heartless.

The heat, electricity, water, natural gas, internet, and all appliances are working. But I want to drive. I NEED to drive, to anywhere. But I can’t. My CTS shares something with our overpasses: they’re both encased in ice. I don’t even have a video game to play, for Christ’s sake!! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO SURVIVE IN THESE CONDITIONS?!?! Being warm, entertained, safe, and loved isn’t enough. I must be MASSIVELY ENTERTAINED!!!

Oh, and The Price Is Right wasn’t even on because the MSM chose to shove weather warnings down my throat instead. #fakenews

#notreallyfakenewsbutmorelikeslightlymisforecastednews

And now, we just got word that the schools will be closed tomorrow as well, FIVE STRAIGHT DAYS OF NO SCHOOL. Wait, standby, I just got an email from work...

My office will be opening tomorrow at 10 am. I’m calling shenanigans, though, because they said the same thing today. And TODAY, we were CLOSED ALL DAMNED DAY!!! And you know what? My firm states that I’m not allowed to call clients regarding business on my cell phone!! Which means that I CAN’T EVEN ALL ANYONE FOR MY BIDNESS!!!

Some people might say that I’m suffering from cabin fever, but I prefer to think that I’m being prudent and rational FUCKING HELL MY WIFE WON’T KEEP THE BARRETT JACKSON AUCTION LIVE FEED ON THE TV AND INSTEAD TURNED IT TO THE WEATHER CHANNEL.

All work and no play makes Pat a dull boy.

farscythe - makin da cawfee! > PatBateman 01/16/2018 at 19:04

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and to think... when you’re working all you want is a day off

PatBateman > farscythe - makin da cawfee! 01/16/2018 at 19:09

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Maddening, I tell you.

RallyDarkstrike - Fan of 2-cyl FIATs, Eastern Bloc & Kei cars > PatBateman 01/16/2018 at 19:20

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This is good Oppo. A star for you kind sir.

Wrong Wheel Drive (41%) > PatBateman 01/16/2018 at 19:27

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This makes me want to see what snow would do to the people here in Los Angeles. Although by “see” I probably mean from the safety of satellite orbit to get as far away from the armageddon as possible. Considering what happens when it simply rains, I wonder at the concept of frostier stuff coming down.

Chariotoflove > PatBateman 01/16/2018 at 19:40

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First of all, I just checked my calendar to confirm it really is 2018. Can there still be a company that won’t let its people do work from home? There are so many easy optics ms.

Second of all, they closed my work too, but it was a big false alarm here in Dallas. I’m grateful the schools stayed open and am at my daughter’s swim practice right now.

Redrum, Brother.

PatBateman > Chariotoflove 01/16/2018 at 19:53

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I COULD work from home, but I would have to go get a desktop and allow the company to put all the trading software and monitoring systems on it. Quite frankly, I don’t want to work from home, as I would get absolutely nothing done. It’s a rare event for the company to close the offices due to inclement weather, so it’s not worth it to me for all the headaches involved in getting a home office setup for the very few days that I might have to log in from my casa.

So, instead, I’m bored out of my gourd.

PatBateman > RallyDarkstrike - Fan of 2-cyl FIATs, Eastern Bloc & Kei cars 01/16/2018 at 19:54

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#keepoppoweird

Chariotoflove > PatBateman 01/16/2018 at 19:58

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I get that.

You’re going to think I’m bullshitting you with my next two words:

Board games.

haveacarortwoorthree2 > PatBateman 01/17/2018 at 10:06

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All good in Dallas. Maybe you should move north for the winter!

PatBateman > haveacarortwoorthree2 01/17/2018 at 12:07

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I saw that. Kind of scratched my head how that happened.